Friendships are important. Good friendships can be life-saving. However, making friends and maintaining them can be a challenge, especially for those with social anxiety.
Fortunately there are a lot of helpful online guides and ebooks that can make the whole process a little less daunting. These hints and tips may help to thwart typical barriers to establishing a friendship. Such obstacles can include cultural divisions, language differences, personality contrasts and perhaps even belonging to completely different species'.
Fortunately there are a lot of helpful online guides and ebooks that can make the whole process a little less daunting. These hints and tips may help to thwart typical barriers to establishing a friendship. Such obstacles can include cultural divisions, language differences, personality contrasts and perhaps even belonging to completely different species'.
1. Search for Friends in the Right Places
To maximise your chances of meeting future friends; join organizations, clubs or social groups that share the same interests and hobbies as yourself. That way there will be an immediate topic of conversation (or not, if you join a Silence Appreciation Society). Sports clubs or volunteering groups can help you bond with people as you work towards achieving a common goal. However, some fantastic friendships can be formed completely out of the blue due to chance meetings at an opportune moment.
For example, I was searching ocean caves for food whilst 'Octobob' was hiding in one.
2. Be Friendly, Approachable and Polite
Don't be afraid to make the first move; reach out to people to show that you want to make friends. Politeness, manners and an understanding of social etiquette can help you make a good first impression. Make sure you're aware of what's culturally normal in terms of personal space boundaries. By being friendly and respecting others' level of comfort, you will seem much less of a threat and absolutely enhance your initial approachability. This is even more important if you're in fact a predator species and Octobob is worried about potentially ending up in a potato salad.
The Brits tend to keep a three metre space between them when talking. It's slightly different in the Mediterranean sea, where one metre is probably alright.
If you're impolite and get far too close for comfort, it can trigger a 'fight or flight' response in the other person. No one likes arm grabs or unsolicited poking.
3. Make Eye Contact and Sincere Conversation
During a conversation be sure to show interest in the other person's company. Eye contact, smiling and active responses to what they're saying will mean the other person associates you with a positive interaction. An awareness of the 30% talking/70% listening ratio will mean that the other person is more likely to enjoy the conversation. Negative body language such as repetitive yawning, turning your back or snarling menacingly can have the opposite effect.
However, extended periods of eye contact can be difficult if the other person has an intense stare or if their eyes are a brilliant shade of orange.
Sometimes it can be beneficial to communicate with people more than once, but with adequate breaks in between conversations so that they don't view your company as too intense or clingy. It can also help to ward off potential clingy behaviour in the other person. The latter is especially important if your new acquaintance has eight tentacles with the strongest suckers known to science.
4. Gift Giving
Gifts don't have to be tangible. Sometimes these can be in the form of compliments, appreciation of their efforts, recognition of their talents or simple acts of kindness. Of course when gifts are tangible, make sure it's appropriate and of a reasonable expense. Specific food items (e.g. a can of chopped tomatoes) can be problematic if you don't know someone's tastes or what they may be allergic to. An elaborate or very expensive gift (e.g. International Space Station Lego Set) can result in awkwardness if you've only known each other for half an hour. From my point of view an Action Camera with a 32GB SD card was an unreasonably expensive gift, as was any of the surrounding fauna.
Since Octobob seemed to be quite cave-proud, an ornamental beach pebble was thought to be an appropriate and reasonably expensive gift.
5. Be Honest About your Intentions
Many people can feel suspicious about why they are receiving a gift. Nowadays we're all conscious of bribery and its consequences, so if you do give a gift be sure to communicate your intentions. For example, normal reasons include the celebration of a birthday, wedding or housewarming, or perhaps a thank-you gift if someone has been incredibly awesome. You may also need to state that what you're giving is definitely a gift and not some old junk from your attic or contraband that you're trying to frame them with.
Communicating clearly is especially important if the other person has slightly blurry eyesight or has difficulty comprehending the human concept of gift giving.
6. Be Patient
If you're speaking with someone who has low levels of confidence or if they take a while to trust others, you'll need to be patient. Shyness, fear of rejection or self-consciousness can result in others withdrawing despite you being a perfectly approachable and friendly person. Some people need space and time in order to work out whether or not they trust you or if they feel you're worth investing their time and emotional energy in.
Some people just fear being hurt by others. Especially if you seem the type to have eaten Insalata di Polpo the previous night.
7. Give them the Chance to Initiate Conversation
Certain types of people tend to be happiest when they feel they're in control of situations. No one likes to feel forced into anything and it's important to let people choose whether or not they want to engage with your company. Patience and respect can mean that the other person extends their hand (or tentacle) of friendship towards you in good time.
In some cultures it's polite to shake hands, but note that it's not a universal rule. It may not even be recommended if their 'hand' has incredibly painful suckers.
8. Enjoy their Company
If you enjoy social interaction, like-minded others will know this and feel like hanging out with you is fun. Seeing someone emerge from their shell (or crawl out from their cave) and feel comfortable in your presence can be a fantastic feeling. By spending time with them, you may gain a more in-depth understanding of the world, discuss ideas that will initiate thought processes you never thought could exist and learn so much more about others as well as yourself.
You may also find out that your friend has some unconventional hobbies, interests or quirks. For instance you may be completely startled by the fact that your new friend looks like an alien brain crawling around on eight giant noodles. Hold back from expressing harsh judgements of their character, however. Remember that no-one is perfect and that we all have our foibles. For example, I probably look like a giant pink alien who only buys cheap tech.
Octobob may be sociable but I can already sense him judging my camera specs.
9. Let them Introduce you to their Friends
If they enjoy your company, they may be willing to introduce you to their comrades. Make sure to be genial towards those they care about. Antagonism towards their besties can result in detachment of the friendship quite quickly. Additionally, understand that the dynamic you have with your new friend may be quite different from the type of bond they have with their closer friends. For example, Octobob and his Mediterranean Rainbow Wrasse friend (named 'Red Stripe') will probably discuss Renaissance art whilst snacking on amphipoda.
However, my friendship with Octobob was mainly based on an appreciation of tasteful pebbles.
10. Respect their Needs
In order to maintain the friendship, do your best to be a good friend. Initiate meetups, ask the other person how they are, respect their feelings and celebrate their achievements. Even if you feel a little envious that they're able to change the texture and colour of their skin at any given time, be happy for them rather than critically chip away at the attributes that they're proud of.
Not everyone is blessed with naturally vibrant cyan highlights (it's due to octopus blood containing haemocyanin)
Importantly, if your friend needs to rest or simply requires their own space (or to hide under ocean reeds), respect their wishes. Compromise and boundary setting is crucial in every social interaction. Understand that everyone has a different threshold for how much time and energy they can spend on socialising. Toxic behaviours such as being too clingy or controlling can cause the friendship to end abruptly.
11. Understand that Friends Come and Go
Just like the skin colour of Octobob, friendships are often transient. There is that famous poem which states 'people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime'. Just because you haven't spoken to your friend in ages doesn't mean the friendship is over. However, just because a friendship ends doesn't mean it was necessarily a bad one. Sometimes priorities, circumstances or social needs change. You may need to evaluate your past actions and grieve the loss of the friendship, but don't forget to appreciate the time you spent together and the positive impact it had on your life.
And anyway, you may still be in contact (and have more in common with) your friend's associates!
'Red Stripe' here is more of a sociable extrovert like myself anyway.
To Octobob!
